9/20/2010
Originally posted as a reply to someone's status on Facebook.
I have theories.
In short
1. People change.
2. The true driving forces behind love (then marriage) and sex are unrelated.
3."Husbands" and "Wives" (if they're yours) simply aren't attractive in the same way as "someone you want to have sex with."
In long?
While stable and routine, having predictable and repetitive lives can taint just about any activity with a hue of banality when done consistently and without variation. Also, becoming a wife/husband means that you have to change your behavior patterns into that of a person in a supporting, committed partnership. That isn't who you were when single. So by definition, you aren't the person they married/fell in love with. Don't get me wrong, the person you then change into can be an attractive one, but most but the times, qualities of a good husband/wife will and should come before the qualities of someone you want to jump. "Wow, she's so responsible and supportive, I want up in that." or "Look at the financial stability and reliability in his pants." Not really happening.
The messed up thing about me (and maybe others) is this, the type of woman I am all about sexually? I would NEEEEVVVVVEEEEEER marry. EVER. Yeah it's messed up, but the fact of the matter is the behavior patterns of the type of woman who flips all of my attraction switches just wouldn't make a good wife/mother/partner. There are women who I think would make good wives/mothers who I am into, but nowhere to the level of the ones who I am /really/ into. Which I think is true with everyone but no one wants to admit it because saying "Honey, I love you more than anything, but I am more attracted to that chick in the bar with the hips, piercings and attitude problem." simply won't fly in most marriages.
Maybe it's some primal evolutionary thing we're helpless against. Who knows. BUT for the sake of society, family, and the eventual kids your body tricks you into having as a result of your biological imperative, you stay together and live your stable, comfortable, warm, dry, well-lit, reliable day to day lives.
I have some other thoughts, but I have to go finish some stuff so I'm done for now.
I'm not any sort of expert, it's just my opinion, and I could be wrong. I'm also not married so this is all speculative. I'm curious about people's legitimate opinions on this, but I doubt many married will be all, "Oh, so this is why we stopped banging."
However, I do envision a bunch of "blah, blah, more responsible, blah blah sex isn't important once you get married, blah, blah" answers potentially coming. Which may be the case. Maybe getting married eviscerates your sexual identity. Which. Sounds. Awesome.
September 20 at 3:01pm
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Why does he masturbate instead of having sex with me?
12/12/2009
Originally posted: http://group-therapy.tressugar.com/Why-does-he-masturbate-instead-having-sex-me-6636732
Okay. I am not one of those gals that doesn't believe in masturbation. But I am also not one of those gals that has a low libido. I would prefer to have sex every day if given the choice, but my partner and I only have sex a couple times a week. Sometimes, when I get home from work, the front door will be locked. I know what this means - when I check his dirty laundry pile, I am guaranteed to find boxers freshly "christened" by him. I get sooooo angry and irritated that I've grown completely obsessed by this... why in the world is he choosing to masturbate instead of waiting to have sex with me??? The sex we do have is really, really good... don't get me wrong... but I hate the fact that I want sex MORE and he masturbates instead! I'm trying to be logical... he's totally exhausted and usually asleep by the time I get the kids in bed. Oh, and I can't talk with him about it..... he goes beserk if I so much as bring it up! Should I just be grateful for the fact that we do have great sex a couple times a week and let it go for the health of our relationship..... and my sanity?
First off, The situation isn't "He's masturbating instead of having sex with me." If you're still having semi-regular great sex, he doesn't hate you, nor does he resent you.
A few points first.
-At any given moment, guys can pretty much go from zero to aroused, orgasm, and cleanup in like, 5 minutes flat. Women tend to need a little more time.
-Sex is like Filet Mignon. Masturbation is like a Slim Jim. Sex is a lot better than masturbation, but sex is also more complicated than masturbation when it comes to preparing and enjoying "the meal."
-This is going to sound harsh, but sometimes a guy doesn't want to have to deal with the foreplay, the worry of satisfying your lover, the emotions, the cuddling, the talking, or whatever is not directly related to an orgasm. Sometimes guys like it, but sometimes guys don't. Sometimes that stuff feels like an obligation that we have to sign onto when having sex, lest we be labeled selfish/uncaring/bad lovers.
-Sometimes a guy just wants a quick, easy orgasm snack. That's all.
If he's still having great sex with you, then he's still sexually attracted to you, and you have nothing to worry about as far as drawing a parallel to him losing interest or not wanting to have sex with you.
I'm willing to bet that masturbation has been a part of his life longer than you have and you're most likely not going to make him stop. Him masturbating is a purely physical act. I'm assuming that sex with you is also emotional and spiritual. You don't get that from jerking off.
In closing, him masturbating is not him replacing intercourse, as they are 2 completely different sexual experiences.
Also, all of this "see if he'll stop," is some of the -worst- advice I've heard concerning the subject. If he says he's stopped, then you've just made him hide it from you.
One last dorky example.
You know how the record industry says, "Every illegal song download is a lost sale that should have went to us." People know that's not the case. Neither is every masturbatory orgasm a lost orgasm-through-intercourse that would have gone to you.
Originally posted: http://group-therapy.tressugar.com/Why-does-he-masturbate-instead-having-sex-me-6636732
Okay. I am not one of those gals that doesn't believe in masturbation. But I am also not one of those gals that has a low libido. I would prefer to have sex every day if given the choice, but my partner and I only have sex a couple times a week. Sometimes, when I get home from work, the front door will be locked. I know what this means - when I check his dirty laundry pile, I am guaranteed to find boxers freshly "christened" by him. I get sooooo angry and irritated that I've grown completely obsessed by this... why in the world is he choosing to masturbate instead of waiting to have sex with me??? The sex we do have is really, really good... don't get me wrong... but I hate the fact that I want sex MORE and he masturbates instead! I'm trying to be logical... he's totally exhausted and usually asleep by the time I get the kids in bed. Oh, and I can't talk with him about it..... he goes beserk if I so much as bring it up! Should I just be grateful for the fact that we do have great sex a couple times a week and let it go for the health of our relationship..... and my sanity?
First off, The situation isn't "He's masturbating instead of having sex with me." If you're still having semi-regular great sex, he doesn't hate you, nor does he resent you.
A few points first.
-At any given moment, guys can pretty much go from zero to aroused, orgasm, and cleanup in like, 5 minutes flat. Women tend to need a little more time.
-Sex is like Filet Mignon. Masturbation is like a Slim Jim. Sex is a lot better than masturbation, but sex is also more complicated than masturbation when it comes to preparing and enjoying "the meal."
-This is going to sound harsh, but sometimes a guy doesn't want to have to deal with the foreplay, the worry of satisfying your lover, the emotions, the cuddling, the talking, or whatever is not directly related to an orgasm. Sometimes guys like it, but sometimes guys don't. Sometimes that stuff feels like an obligation that we have to sign onto when having sex, lest we be labeled selfish/uncaring/bad lovers.
-Sometimes a guy just wants a quick, easy orgasm snack. That's all.
If he's still having great sex with you, then he's still sexually attracted to you, and you have nothing to worry about as far as drawing a parallel to him losing interest or not wanting to have sex with you.
I'm willing to bet that masturbation has been a part of his life longer than you have and you're most likely not going to make him stop. Him masturbating is a purely physical act. I'm assuming that sex with you is also emotional and spiritual. You don't get that from jerking off.
In closing, him masturbating is not him replacing intercourse, as they are 2 completely different sexual experiences.
Also, all of this "see if he'll stop," is some of the -worst- advice I've heard concerning the subject. If he says he's stopped, then you've just made him hide it from you.
One last dorky example.
You know how the record industry says, "Every illegal song download is a lost sale that should have went to us." People know that's not the case. Neither is every masturbatory orgasm a lost orgasm-through-intercourse that would have gone to you.
Why
I felt like having one place where I can stick all of my self-indulgent internet ramblings on various topics. In the back of my head I'm hoping that it will get me writing again. I'm wondering if I still have the "it" that drew a slightly sizable number of repeat readers on an anonymous blogger site way back when.
These posts will most likely be riddled with grammatical errors with possibly a dash of spelling errors. Maybe I'll correct them, maybe I won't. Their initial postings were little more than a stream of consciousness reply to something I had an immediate reaction to.
I am not an expert on anything, I just get opinionated at times.
Your mileage may vary. This is not for you.
These posts will most likely be riddled with grammatical errors with possibly a dash of spelling errors. Maybe I'll correct them, maybe I won't. Their initial postings were little more than a stream of consciousness reply to something I had an immediate reaction to.
I am not an expert on anything, I just get opinionated at times.
Your mileage may vary. This is not for you.
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